Drag & Spirituality + tranSpirit with LOTUS BOY

LOTUS BOY is a trans, fluid, Chinese-American drag king based in Occupied Muwekma Ohlone Land (aka San Jose, CA). He is a former Vacation Bible School enthusiast who was raised Christian, but currently identifies as Spiritual and non-denominational (for now).  Through their drag, she seeks to channel messages from their ancestors and their Highest Self around healing, hope, and intersectional justice. 

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Hosted by B0NNi33 Vi0L3T, a conversation about being trans and spirituality.

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🌐 a queer chaplain
Bonnie Violet, is a trans femme genderqueer spiritual drag artist & a digital queer chaplain.

Splintered Grace

Bonnie Violet & Tina Frank

Tina, is a conservative christian woman and Bonnie Violet, a trans gender queer drag queen. While many family members are choosing to no longer speak, we have chosen to sit at the table and engage in difficult conversation to find peace and restoration.

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🌐 a queer chaplain
Bonnie Violet, is a trans femme genderqueer spiritual drag artist & a digital queer chaplain.

🌐 a queer chaplain
Bonnie Violet, is a trans femme genderqueer spiritual drag artist & a digital queer chaplain.

🎙 Drag & Spirituality
45 Drag Artists talk about their drag & spirituality hosted by Bonnie Violet

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Transcript

0:00
go go go...
0:09
jobs I'm going to do all the clubs but I would come home that would be fine like
0:15
I would just be in my bed at night just so depressed and really didn't have
0:21
anyone to talk to about this experience because again it was just it's just something that a lot of people haven't experienced
0:29
well I had the experience that a lot of people we're very curious about what happened to me
0:35
um and would be really entitled to knowing and of course that really made me a little
0:41
bit more right because it was like I had a lot of visible scars that people would comment on and so for me it was like
0:49
I just need space to breathe right but I feel like both my own where I was in my
0:54
life and then everyone's external questions and assumptions and you know
1:00
Curiosities really pushed me further and further away
1:06
foreign [Music] it's Bonnie Violet
1:13
um and you are on the trans Spirit podcast and I just wanted to take a moment to say
1:19
um it's National Trans Awareness Month November 2022 and I'm currently working
1:25
on creating a new uh trans Spirit Series where I'll be interviewing 12 trans
1:31
folks from around the globe hopefully um to hear and capture their
1:37
um stories with spirituality and their trans identity that's trans non-binary
1:43
intersex [Music] um basically non-cis gendered folks or
1:50
folks who might be in the trans umbrella um I'm kind of open to whatever but I'm
1:56
really curious to understand someone's gender outside of the CIS gender world
2:01
I'm in their experience with spirituality um so I am working on that in the
2:07
meantime I did want to continue putting out some episodes so what I'm going to do is
2:13
um be uploading some of my previous interviews with drag artists who were also trans uh talking about their
2:19
spiritual experience and other episodes or interviews that I've done that involve trans people talking about their
2:26
spirituality I hope that you enjoy this and I'll keep you posted on the next
2:32
series and uh yeah I'd love to hear from you please rate and review that helps other people find out about the podcast
2:40
um and feel free to engage with the links in the description you can support the work of a queer chaplain and trans
2:45
Spirit by supporting our patreon um just go to go to the links check things out
2:51
I'm not going to be believer this any longer enjoy the podcast love you and uh
2:58
I see you I feel you I'm so glad that you're in the world with me my trans
3:03
siblings [Music] Our Guest this evening is lotus boy
3:10
Lotus boy is a trans fluid chinese-american Dry King based and
3:16
occupied wakma alonei land AKA San Jose California
3:22
he is a former Vacation Bible School Enthusiast who was raised Christian but currently identifies as spiritual and
3:29
non-denominational for now through their drag she seeks the channel messages
3:35
from their ancestors and their highest self around healing hope and
3:41
intersectional Justice here is lotus boy
3:47
hey call Bonnie thank you how are you I'm doing amazing I'm really happy to be
3:54
here and really grateful to be here and thank you again for having me so of
4:00
course I'm so glad that you're here I see I see Daddy's here
4:06
thank you my first drag child as well they're
4:11
amazing so grateful they came to support I love you Vera also King Baba Moon
4:18
amazing I'm so grateful you all are here ah fantastic it's a family affair glad
4:23
you all could join us so um I know you've I know you've uh
4:29
listened to a few of these interviews and I like to I'm really bad at foreplay so I usually like to just kind of go
4:34
right in so to speak um consensually of course um but um I love to hear a little bit
4:40
about what it was life was like for you as a child sure
4:46
so specifically regarding spirituality in my childhood I was raised Christian
4:53
my mom is very Christian and at first I used to really love church
5:00
and I've come to realize now in retrospect that I really just love the sense of
5:06
community right that a lot of churches seek to have yeah however I
5:15
realize early on as well about age 13 that I didn't fully connect with the
5:20
type of spirituality and religion that my mom was telling me was the only truth that a lot of people were telling me is
5:28
what I had to believe um I I said in my bio I'm a former Vacation Bible School Enthusiast because
5:35
I don't know if you all know what that is uh VBS for short a lot of like
5:40
predominantly there's a lot of white people at my church that I grew up so predominantly like white churches I
5:46
would see having these programs which are great right it's like a summer school fun camp type thing for kids ages
5:53
like K through eighth grade I think to learn more about the word of God in a
5:59
Christian lens and whenever I did BBS I was on like the theater team right so of
6:05
course me being a little queer drag performer back then but not knowing it I
6:12
loved playing in the Bible study and I always specifically took roles that were male roles just because
6:17
I could and like unfortunately there weren't that many actors in that group so they were like
6:24
all right I guess you could have the male wolf um but I had this profound moment at age
6:29
13 so I was like going to church every week with my mom I was in my own Bible School study I did BBs
6:37
but whenever I prayed I just felt nothing
6:43
not to say that if when you pray you meaning anyone who's listening um that when you pray if you feel
6:49
nothing that's wrong but for me I really want it and I'm really creative to have
6:55
to feel engulfed by the spirit that I saw people in church doing and I remember having this really profound
7:01
moment at age like 13 sitting in church and you know we're singing A Hymn together and just seeing everyone
7:07
getting so into the spirit you know raising their hands and me just being like
7:13
I I don't feel this okay this feels not good right not like I was hating myself
7:20
for it but I was kind of just like this isn't right for me and my older
7:26
sister um they realized that a lot earlier and I remember so my mom used to force us to
7:33
go to church every single week and so we had this one big fight where my sister was like you can't force us to do
7:39
anything mom like you can't force beliefs down our throat and it was a
7:45
whole thing and then after that my mom never forced us but she always asks this nicely to go with her or of course for
7:52
you know Christmas and Easter you know the major Christian holidays um we would go for it for that but
8:00
growing up I would say yeah like my relationship to spirituality and
8:06
religion was one of like obligation and of repetition right of
8:13
like going through the motions doing what everyone else is doing but then knowing deep in your soul that this is
8:18
not connecting with you and part of that reason is like many queer and trans
8:23
people and many people on this podcast have said I feel like a lot of queer and trans
8:29
people realize early on that a lot of organized religion doesn't like us right and tells you that your existence
8:36
is wrong or you're gonna burn in hell or
8:41
just all these external things that you didn't come out of a womb thinking
8:47
um I recently listened to your episodes with on the cops and she was saying um something that I really resonated with
8:54
me that um thinking about like who taught you certain things right of like who taught
9:00
you how to think that way or who who taught you that you were XYZ like a negative emotion and for me it was
9:07
religion it was the first person who taught me that my my existence as I was was was wrong unfortunately so after
9:15
like age 13 I kind of just you know stopped going to church I wanted to be
9:20
like my older sister too and like you really rebellious and my relationship with my mom didn't didn't wasn't that
9:28
good when I was in high school and my first few years of college like probably because of you know that disconnect in
9:36
her really wanting us to have the same type of Faith as her but you know having
9:41
to have acceptance that we are our own people when when you um at 13 when you kind of
9:48
left church did you feel like it was a loss or
9:53
I don't know I mean I think deep down there was a part of me that
9:59
yeah I was really upset right that because I I felt like I mean I don't think this way now but I felt like at
10:05
that time like I was doing everything good right I was going to church I was I like remember I once sat down when I was
10:12
young like that like 12 maybe 10 and I was like I'm gonna read the whole Bible like I want to learn everything and I
10:19
like started to try and read the whole Bible I never finished but you know
10:24
um so yeah I felt like I definitely felt the loss of the community right of like there's this place where they tell you
10:31
they're accepting of everything right they tell you what Jesus said which is like I think a lot of Jesus's teachings
10:37
were cool I I like you know I'm not a Christian but I think Jesus was a lot of his ideas were on point and like really
10:45
resonant now but a lot of other stuff in the Bible was not so yeah I think mainly
10:51
the community is what I felt the loss of and unfortunately that pushed me farther
10:56
away and during that time as well I developed an
11:02
eating disorder sorry I should have given a Content warning um before I continue on everyone I'm going to give a
11:07
Content warning that my spirituality is really interlaced with trauma and mental
11:14
illness and health and I'll be mentioning some details of that um so yeah just take care of yourself
11:21
please um because I know that can be happy yeah
11:27
um but yeah I developed an eating disorder that lasted until age about 21
11:34
22 and Ruby was rooted in hatred right
11:40
and rooted in things that everyone else was telling me about my body about how
11:45
I'm supposed to look um I also unfortunately had a best friend at the time who was really racist
11:52
and really homophobic and would constantly make jokes about me being Asian would constantly use the F slur
12:00
and you know talk about queer people and of course you know me being her best
12:05
friend and she was also really cool and you know one of those like all the all the this men liked her and at that time
12:13
that's what I thought I wanted that's what religion and my parents told me I wanted
12:18
and so I was really impressionable right like it's like I left church and then I became friends with this person who she
12:25
was a few years older than me and I really looked up to her and I realized obviously later on that all
12:33
that toxicity all of those really like white supremacist attitudes that she held really messed with my sense of self
12:40
and that continued on until my later years as well um and it's still something I'm healing right we're all healing from stuff from
12:47
childhood and it's the never-ending process yeah yeah so did you find
12:52
community did you find Community after church I guess what did what did
12:58
Community begin to look like for you Community was queerness and when I
13:04
finally allowed myself with permission to come out so I was I was pretty positive for a lot of My Life
13:10
um in high school even though I had a lot of gay friends I had um just yeah a lot of people would like
13:17
assume that I was queer but I wasn't ready to be out yet so it would always be like why do you care so much about
13:24
gay things are you a lesbian I'd be like why does it matter like why don't you just care about all people and
13:32
yeah and I think having that best friend who constantly said homophobic things and didn't make me feel safe you know I
13:39
I just never felt like I could talk to anyone about it and my schools growing up as well there
13:45
weren't too many out here people um at least not out people that looked like me there were a lot of like CIS gay
13:51
men who were out um but yeah like nothing I not too many
13:57
people not too many trans people were queer women um at the time so when I eventually
14:03
moved to the East Bay for school is when I truly found community and partially
14:09
because I moved into a clear themed Co-op so it's kind of like in the deal uh Oscar Wilde house in Berkeley shout
14:16
out to that Co-op um and moving to Berkeley right where it's like supposed to be this Haven of
14:24
queerness and free speech and uh Liberty right
14:30
um that's where I really found like myself and found the comfort and acceptance to slowly be more out but it
14:38
wasn't until I started doing drag that I felt comfortable with myself my relationship to self and spirit
14:44
that I could do drag and come out as trans or non-binary whatever I am right
14:49
so yeah I think that when I reflect back is we're in trans people who have always
14:56
lifted me up right and given me that love and that compassion that I know it
15:02
exists in religion but I just know that religion doesn't always apply it to people like me
15:07
yeah yeah yeah and so drag started um to drag start for you pretty quickly
15:13
once you got to the East Bay or no um so I moved to the East Bay in 2015.
15:20
and then I didn't start Jack until 2018. and
15:26
yeah it was something where I was questioning my gender for a while
15:32
um but I was in a relationship at the time with a queer Woman and
15:38
it just felt like I had to be a queer woman for her um and although she was super supportive
15:46
of my drag um just oftentimes
15:51
it didn't feel like there was an active like participation right it was kind of like showing up and being like great but
15:56
then leaving the shows right um and I really felt like
16:02
I needed to do drag because I was like that's the only way I could come out right like unfortunately so a lot of
16:09
society views drag as like just playing you know it's all fun for fun it's like meaningless right and some drug you know
16:16
does it is that way right some guys have to have a meaning but I think for a lot of us our drag is so
16:23
significant to us right because even if you're not trans your drag is still a
16:28
representation of you or a part of you right so of course everyone has such an
16:33
intimate attachment to their drag their drag Persona or persona's plural um and I was really struggling to figure
16:40
out like well what what who is my Jag Persona first of all and
16:45
do I even have it in me to allow this this part of me to be seen yeah I feel
16:51
like I don't really have other people who I didn't have other people at that time who were actively either shared similar
16:58
identities with me or were actively encouraging me to mm-hmm and the way I started was going to Rebel
17:05
Kings of Oakland show and I had just by by chance I saw the event on Facebook
17:11
and it was the fundraiser for the Pacific Center which is the LGBT Center in Berkeley and they do it every year
17:18
shout out to Vera who um used to work there I don't know maybe they still feel was there
17:24
um yeah I was so blown away by Rebel Kings in one just the fact that Kings existed
17:30
right so I also didn't know that Kings existed until the drag Kings I should say existed until I came across the
17:37
rebel Kings of Oakland I had seen Dragon high school I had seen a lot of my
17:43
CIS gay men do drag I watched through Paul's Drag Race but you know that show
17:49
is problematic and very not inclusive and I just never thought like I always
17:55
wanted to do it but I was just like well I can't I'm not an assist man and you
18:01
know um and then I saw the rebel Kings and I was just like
18:06
another show also had a lot of burlesque people had Queens it had thinking Jack
18:12
things so they've always been super inclusive and supportive of like whatever your drag is
18:18
that night I went straight up to Vegas Jake um who's like long-running host yeah
18:23
yeah things and I was like hi this was amazing how do I get involved
18:30
and of course he was so sweet and just like send me a Facebook message and let me know when you want to perform yeah I
18:37
met Vegas Jake actually used to work with Vegas in Idaho when I lived in Idaho we we worked together in HIV AIDS
18:45
work um but um so you were so your transness was something that you had come to
18:52
understand for yourself before you started drag or was it part of the process
18:58
part of the process it was in flux and like I said it had been something I it had been something I was thinking about
19:04
for a long time along with cutting my hair short which is like this isn't everyone's experience but
19:11
like I feel like the queer like Femme or like a former Femme or queer woman or
19:17
maybe queer afab non-binary person experiences like you have long hair at some point you have to cut it all off
19:24
right so sick of well what I was sick of was people associating my hair with my
19:31
femininity yeah or me seeing my hair and like I used I used to have just like
19:37
long dark hair and I grew it out really long and like I would get compliments on it like oh wow your hair's so beautiful
19:43
and then I realized like I was a subconscious part of me was assigning value to those compliments right and
19:50
I'll also right safety I used to get cat called a lot whenever I would have my hair out down and
19:56
I just didn't want to deal with that anymore and I also wanted to feel more like myself and not to say that you know
20:05
cutting your hair is inherently masculine or feminine but I wanted to experiment with my style and my
20:11
presentation in a way that maybe Society typically deems as masculinity or masculine but for me it was like this is
20:19
a part of myself that I buried because I was a kid too which I didn't mention before is that I was a huge tomboy up
20:25
until age 12 13 and so I met that friend um I used to wear like khaki shorts
20:31
dirty t-shirts I would never brush my hair I used to like when my mom tried to
20:37
make me wear a pink shirt one time I had a tantrum like I was so internalized misogynistic I guess
20:44
because at the time I Associated all these superficial things like freaking colors like colors don't have gender but
20:51
capitalism tells us it does um I Associated all these things with
20:56
like who I was supposed to be and when I was a kid I had a lot of young
21:03
boyfriends like male friends right not boyfriends like romantic friends um and I just really thought I was like
21:10
one of the boys right until I learned somewhere along the way that well
21:16
because I'm a woman I should want a man and I realized that because I was such a
21:22
tomboy I wasn't getting attention from the young boys in my classes and it just
21:28
really you know messed with my self-esteem and I think I had like a 180 change of style
21:35
overnight one night like I just like asked my mom I was like can we go to limited two I don't know if anyone knows
21:41
what limited 2 is like this like early 90s 2000s like
21:48
little girl store it's really pink it's really bright and yeah I started that
21:54
was like the start of me really burying parts of myself right and
22:01
to connect it to Jack now that's part of why I'm Lotus boy and not Lotus man because I feel like
22:09
me doing drag is also healing a lot of my inner child and filed that like I said I used to be like I used to thought
22:17
I was I used to think I was a little boy I used to only hang out with boys you know do all the things that little boys
22:22
do and I also feel like my energy as a performer can be very like Goofy and
22:28
very at times like really silly and also in the way that little boys are taught
22:33
to be strong and you know all the stuff that we're taught is in opposition which
22:39
it's not um that's what I try to emulate to in a lot of my performances is like giving
22:44
myself that confidence that my younger self didn't have yeah yeah I definitely see that a lot in your in your uh work
22:52
and yeah I think as trans folks we don't often get to um you know we don't get to be kids and be our our gender I guess so
23:00
you know Tran or I guess drag is a way that we can kind of play with that huh I agree oh my gosh Elizabeth says oh my
23:08
God limited too there's not one person got my reference because she she knows what you're talking about
23:14
so you mentioned um you mentioned uh boy like how how did you come up with your
23:20
name sure so my middle name is lylan which in
23:29
the kid I hated my middle name which is really sad to say um I hated a lot of things about myself
23:34
I really it makes me sad to like look back and like the last time I went home to my parents I like found one of my old
23:41
journals where I was just writing some really hurtful things about myself
23:46
um and that was really representative of how I felt at the time you know and my mental health
23:51
um but part of me disliking my name was a lot of internalized racism and white
23:57
supremacy right even my first name which is Kiana um even though that's not inherently
24:03
related to my culture um it was just like I had two names that weren't very common right and just like
24:10
people never knew how to pronounce it and I know I have my names are like pretty easy to pronounce compared to a
24:15
lot of other people's but it was like it was a big deal to me you know I feel like nowadays like names are so important
24:23
right especially as trans people because a lot of trans people choose their own names right and
24:30
for me trying to heal my relationship with the name I was given and my middle name which I I used to
24:36
hate but now I I Revere right especially because lotus in Chinese culture and a
24:44
lot of Asian cultures what it symbolizes is Purity which not really into that
24:50
part a lot of like rebirth and regrowth
24:55
lotus's throw from mud and dirt right like all the depths in the bottom of the
25:00
ocean then they sprout as a beautiful flower and I have this line in this poem that I
25:06
wrote describing my gender as like I've spent so many years trying to sprout under the dirt of other people's
25:12
expectations of me um and as Lotus boy
25:17
it doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I'm trying to bloom and a Lotus also can live for up to a
25:25
thousand years so for me I'm like that represents the fact that
25:30
my name my middle name that's like my drag Persona and part of part of them right and like it was here all this time
25:36
and I just had to pay attention to it and look Inward and yeah now I'm really
25:43
grateful that my mom who's my mom is Chinese and she gave me that beautiful name and
25:49
for me it's just Lotus boy is representing like the meshing of my culture and like who I want to be
25:55
especially because in Chinese culture even though uh transness was kind of
26:03
like in a lot of um deities or like spiritual figures and
26:08
like Buddhism and a lot of other cultures right there's a lot of like uh Gods and like people who were depicted
26:15
as really like gender fluid or like their gender changed over time but now right now it's like oh we forgot all
26:21
about that we forgot that trans people are sacred and like you know literally revered and yeah it was very hard
26:29
um me not knowing any other queer or trans Chinese people growing up or not knowing that I did like there were other
26:36
Chinese people at my school um and other mixed Chinese people um because I'm a mixed race as well but
26:42
not many that I felt I connected with like even on a friend level right like
26:47
obviously you don't have to be queer to be my friend but like people just don't understand sometimes right right now I
26:55
get that so you would you'd mentioned that you had um like how did you deal
27:00
with the um I guess the I don't know if you use the word shame but how did you get over
27:07
uh some of the the harm that came your way as a young person as you're growing up queer around your friend and around
27:14
the church and folks who who weren't really creating a great space for you to to Blossom and Bloom in
27:21
um how did you kind of begin to heal from that
27:26
well incredibly
27:36
um it was right after I experienced a traumatic event and I've never really talked about this
27:43
openly but it's something that is really important it's part of my story but
27:49
without getting into many details one of my good friends had a mental health crisis and during that Health crisis I
27:55
was trying to help them and they were not themselves and I believe that they
28:02
was by something and they tried to kill me and they stabbed me multiple times
28:08
on my face my neck my body um and I almost died and it was a really
28:15
obviously like traumatic experience and a really deep experience with like
28:21
betrayal right of trust and it was something that
28:26
I'd never experienced anything about magnitude before like I had experienced violence in my childhood and
28:33
um later years but that you know coming from someone who was my friend and someone that I really
28:39
cared about um it was a lot for me and after that
28:44
experience because of what I had been taught growing up which was to just keep
28:50
going uh like mental health was not really talked about even though it runs in my family like major depression and
28:56
alcoholism ones in my family and it was like my mom would say like yeah this one's in the family and that's it right
29:03
so there was no mention about like do you want to see a therapist are you okay and that's not my mom's fault I don't
29:09
blame her for that it's just we were raised in a culture um in American culture too right that
29:16
kind of like punishes people for openly expressing their feelings or assigns all of these judgments to
29:22
feelings being expressed a certain way um and
29:28
I lost my train of thought actually um so I had that experience okay so I had
29:34
the experience and I was also still in school at the time I was still going to UC Berkeley and that
29:40
was like right before we were just about to start the spring semester and I just my parents wanted me to come home
29:47
and like stay with them for a bit come home to Southern California but I was like I I want to just go I want to keep
29:53
going I want to live my life I want to graduate I I don't want to deal with this like right like it was so painful
30:00
and I really just tried to avoid it and I heard you say in one of your
30:06
podcasts earlier that you know when we award stuff it always catches up to us right and
30:12
yeah it was just a lot of stuff that I felt so uh divorced from right like
30:18
realizing that my friend was having this experience and also while they were having the experience they were saying
30:25
things related to their spirituality so that you know created a lot of fear in me right of like
30:32
I really don't know to this day right like what was going on for them and how they needed help
30:38
um and I don't blame them but it's still a very painful memory that you know
30:44
impacts me to this day and is part of the reason why I'm disabled um so I think like right after that
30:51
incident I had like a whole year two years almost where I was just like go go
30:56
I'm gonna distract myself right I'm gonna it's cool I'm gonna work three jobs I'm going to do all the clubs
31:03
but I would come home and I'd be fine like I would just be in my bed at night
31:09
just so depressed and really didn't have anyone to talk to about this experience
31:14
because again it was just it's just something that a lot of people haven't experienced yeah
31:20
oh I had the experience that a lot of people were very curious about what happened to
31:25
me um and would be really like entitled to knowing and of course that really made me a
31:32
little bit more right because it was like I had a lot of visible scars that people would comment on and so for me it
31:39
was like I just need space to breathe right so I I feel like both my own where I was in
31:45
my life and then everyone's external questions and assumptions and you know
31:51
Curiosities really pushed me further and further away from spirituality and myself
31:57
and then it wasn't until you know I started um well I met my parent partner is he and
32:05
they someone who's very spiritual um and I started going to therapy
32:10
specifically for trauma so I've been to therapy years before but it was often
32:16
the same experience where I would just be talking for 45 minutes and they wouldn't interrupt me at all they
32:21
wouldn't stop and at the end they'd be like okay and how do you feel yeah well I just
32:28
spent 45 minutes telling you how I felt but um and I was really grateful to start
32:34
therapy at the Bay Area trauma Recovery Center so if anyone is in the East Bay they're located in Berkeley I highly
32:39
recommend they are a teaching clinic but um they do sliding scale therapy and that was one of the only ways I could
32:46
afford to keep going and really having access to that which
32:51
is a huge privilege in itself and finally being like hey I have to address this because what I found is
32:58
that it was impacting my relationships my partners at the time you know because I would get triggered so easily
33:05
um by just a lot of different things and or I would you know be lashing out because I felt unsafe and
33:13
you know I I feel like a part of our healing process as like humans right is like reflecting a lot back on like
33:20
different things and trying to figure out like how you can do things differently that's like my main goal in
33:26
life how can I improve um and in that note
33:33
I came across this quote by Octavia Butler I think sometime in college and
33:38
after that incident too that has resonated with me and stayed with me to this day and it's all that you touch you
33:44
change all the change changes you well the lasting truth is change
33:51
God has changed [Music] and even though I don't resonate with
33:57
like God like I don't Paul I don't yeah God isn't a part of my life right now but I
34:04
don't have any issues with him being a part of other people's lives um as long as you're not being hateful
34:09
towards queer insurance people um but I think that yeah like spirituality for
34:18
me is healing myself and coming back to myself and learning how to trust myself and my
34:24
intuition because I've also had the experience that I've been through a lot of hard heavy
34:31
things but there were several times in which I felt my intuition
34:36
like telling me something was wrong but my desire to help people
34:42
in my desire to be a good friend a blank right all again all the roles that like
34:48
uh yes I knowingly chose them and it fulfilled me but a lot of it was
34:53
external pressuring so I found that I was constantly burning out and constantly getting hurt by people
35:00
but partially because I made myself available right it's like I would go into relationships and friendships and
35:06
what have you just being overly like how can I help you what can I do for you and
35:12
then what I've learned is that when you start out a relationship like that people come to expect it right and
35:18
oftentimes we're not able to reciprocate what you need in return yeah yeah yeah thank you so much for
35:25
sharing that all with us as well too so it sounded like um you always said said you're like
35:31
trusting yourself or kind of connecting with that intuition I was I think I was one of the recent interviews we were
35:37
talking about was saying that intuition is that kind of spirit that spiritual connection would you call that your
35:43
spirituality or your connection with Spirit or how would you define that
35:48
how would I find my Intuition or yeah yeah for me my intuition is my highest health
35:56
and that may not resonate with everyone but you know for me the highest self is
36:01
like your ideal I mean ideals aren't good to have but it's like the version of yourself that you want to be right
36:08
your best self and what I've learned in my trauma therapy and I mean this is for everyone right
36:14
even if you haven't been through a lot of trauma everyone gets emotional triggered sometimes right a trigger is
36:21
just something that reminds you of a bad emotion that you once felt right and yes
36:26
there are like trauma triggers that are very different right like triggering a flashback but it comes down to are you
36:33
able to pause and observe yourself and look at your reactions and then turn
36:38
them into responses right um that's something I learned in therapy shout out to my first therapist Erica
36:44
um we're no longer working together but she really taught me that managing trauma and PTSD and just
36:52
managing emotions it's not about controlling your emotions we can't control our emotions right but what we
36:57
can control is our reactions to those emotions and if we pause and reflect and are able to like calm down all the
37:04
physiological things that are going on in your body because I know sometimes you're like I'm so you just say something or I need to do
37:11
something or I need to you know cope and do this XYZ it's really hard and it takes a lot of
37:17
practice um and that's how I also kind of fell more into meditation as a spiritual
37:22
practice and I'll be the first to say I'm not good at meditating um that is constantly on overdrive and I
37:30
just start thinking like why am I still thinking why am I still thinking my own head about it but it's something
37:39
that I also know is part of my ancestral practices right like a lot of Buddhist people and a lot of like Asian cultures
37:46
as well of course you know meditation is a practice that is just regular and
37:53
actually my mom who again you know she's literally just learned she started looking into like mindfulness and
37:59
meditation because she um struggles with her own things and from her mindfulness it was really
38:05
helpful and I remember when she first started talking to me about it it was before I was in therapy and I was really
38:11
like again like anti-religion anti-everything that I thought was religion is not
38:18
and she's like you know maybe you should try mindfulness like this and I'd be like okay yeah sure yeah and I was just
38:27
unfortunately right that was like a really like internalized racist and white supremacist attitude
38:33
that like meditation was just like something that didn't work and like you know I just really had this like logical
38:38
approach um to religion but going through therapy and part of what
38:45
we did together in therapy was meditate together um and then having a partner who really
38:50
supported my healing and my journey every part of the way since we met and
38:56
has also shared a lot of their practices and spiritual knowledge with me we still try to meditate together every
39:03
day it's like not always happening um we have it on our like to-do list to like try to get into a practice together
39:09
at least keep each other accountable because I found that that business benefit me
39:15
it helps you know shut down the minds and helps you feel more grounded and connected to your highest self you know
39:22
yes for sure let's go let's go let's take a little break I'm going to show
39:27
like a a quick little video clip and then we'll be back in like probably 30 seconds okay
39:35
[Music]
39:48
[Music]
39:55
thank you
40:01
[Music]
40:10
and we're back quick little break for folks if you um
40:17
you know now's a good time to ask questions we're about 40 minutes into the conversation so we'll have about
40:23
maybe 19 18 minutes tops uh lots of conversations so if you do have some
40:29
questions do feel free to um to ask them now um and yeah we'll continue to go through
40:36
the conversation so what does drag how do you what role does drag play in your
40:41
life wow what a question tag is one of my reasons that I wake up
40:48
every day um that sounds really dramatic but it's true because yeah I'm just so grateful for drag
40:55
literally giving me the space to come out and be myself and allowing me to do
41:00
it in safe safety right of like before when I was still identifying as like a CIS woman I was like oh you know it's
41:06
just drag I'm just like you know trying to figure it out and then you know of course realizing that wow this feels
41:12
great and like this is the most alive I've ever felt you know like truly after
41:17
I had a life-threatening experience like you know the cliche thing of like you really looked at your life and being
41:24
like you appreciate it in new ways I did have that experience but I also
41:29
had a lot of you know the pain and the trauma that was like weighing me down and although I was still really
41:35
struggling at the time when I first started drag it again was like whoa like that was so
41:41
vastly different than like the way I've been leading my life up into that moment and like I knew that I needed to keep
41:48
doing this and that I wanted and I had messages to share with people um about healing about reconnecting with
41:55
your ancestors which is something that I try to do often and it's hard as a mixed race person and as someone who grew up
42:02
with a lot of internalized white supremacy and racism and a lot of people who were not so nice to me so I really
42:10
try and drag to both like educate people on various topics or maybe just you know
42:15
my own culture um but also for me again it's a way of connecting back to who I've always been
42:21
right like starting with my name right the name is like the first thing that you you know or you're given right and
42:28
although you can't choose the name that you're given when you're born you can choose
42:33
who you are and how you embody your name so it's a very very powerful thing to
42:38
get to do for sure um Holden wood has a question Holden says what's been one of the biggest
42:44
changes you've seen in your drag be it in theme or aesthetic or whatever
42:51
hi Holden
42:59
he moved to the Bay kind of right as I was starting drag and we both started like performing in the East Bay scene at
43:04
the same time and she's such a great friend we're kind of like you're like drag litter mates
43:15
I have another question Holden well comic as probably many drag artists have
43:21
experience allowed us a lot more free time hopefully or at least more time to
43:28
reflect on things meditate meditate try to meditate right
43:34
um and prior to the pandemic I was like I'm a king and I was really in
43:41
the binary understanding of kings and queens right because
43:46
Beyond Tennessee Williams is also a great friend of mine the amazing drag queen drag performer who's been on this
43:53
show um they were like the first person I really saw who was doing like both king
43:59
and queen and just whatever the in between like they would have numbers when they did full
44:05
and I was like wow that really inspired me but at that time I was like well I'm
44:11
just now trying to be a king right like what like and like you know I just
44:16
didn't see a lot of Kings experimenting with femininity or you know what Society
44:21
typically deems as femininity so part of that for me is like well why
44:26
why did I not allow myself to do that part of it is like I was afraid right and I had all this like internalized
44:32
of like oh like what if I you know don't look good as a drag queen is that like you
44:39
know invalidating my gender is that all this you know again all this stuff and I think seeing and connecting with
44:46
so many amazing Multicultural multi different gender identity drag artists over the pandemic
44:53
because I wasn't really on Instagram pretty pandemic um I had an Instagram for my drag account but I would always
44:59
like forget to be posting my shows because I was working a lot and yeah I really didn't have the time and space
45:06
and spoons to be connecting with Community as much as I wanted to as much as I desperately wanted to because yeah
45:12
I want to be friends with all the drag people but I just didn't have the space in my life and the pandemic is when I
45:19
was really experimenting more and like allowing myself to practice doing more clean looks or doing more like high
45:25
Femme looks and wearing wigs too um and part of the reason why I still
45:31
identify as a king is because like Kings can look this way right you don't
45:37
have to only always have beards and mustaches and it kind of goes back to like how I felt really pressured to like
45:44
cut off all my hair as soon as I started doing drag because I wanted personally because I wanted to look a
45:49
certain way right and I was like oh it's so hard to tie up my hair um but also because of the pressure and
45:55
I feel like it's such an awesome thing to see that so many more drag people
46:00
like even people who maybe used to be really binary and rigid in their understandings of drag are becoming more
46:07
open and accepting and that through so much so I guess everything has changed it's like I started wearing wigs
46:14
um and my eyelashes which not that I wouldn't have worn them before it's just
46:20
I never had the time I was working a job that I was so drained I worked like six days a week sometimes seven
46:27
and would always be sometimes I had to leave work early to get to the Jag gig because I worked really late so
46:34
yeah I just wasn't giving myself the proper time and space that I deserved for this and to really create as my full
46:41
self yeah and how much do you think your gen your like gender identity played
46:47
into that identity of your king and kind of that uh blurring if you will of the
46:53
binary like I guess getting out of that binary of the kingness did your your personal gender play a role in that do
46:59
you think I guess so I mean
47:04
I've now come to a place where I identify as trans and I also identify
47:11
as non-binary and just fluid in general because everything is fluid sexuality is fluid
47:17
um and I feel like yeah like kind of moving into a space
47:24
where I wanted to really like address myself and my internalized femphobia is what I
47:30
would call that right like my childhood of like oh well I'm a king now I've cut my hair short now I have to dress
47:36
masculine now I have to be a Butch lesbian like seriously I was like okay
47:42
like now I look a certain way do I have to you know is this now who I am and
47:47
yeah really realizing that it's like I have a lot of internalized misogyny and
47:52
stuff I need to work out and I love dressing up I love wearing wigs but I didn't allow myself to wear them for so
47:59
long because of everything that I thought right which is so silly um in my personal style I feel I've
48:06
always had a style that is like drag like honestly I'm only probably like bought things specifically for drag like
48:14
five times but a lot of my clothes are really like are thrifted so I have a lot of like funky lasers and like jackets
48:22
and I love fun patterns so I was like well I already got the Wardrobe now I just gotta learn how to do wigs and
48:28
eyelashes wait wait I really I I was a bearded Queen when I first started doing
48:33
drag so yeah I scrolled back on your Instagram yeah so we're moving it about a year ago was you know it was kind of a
48:40
thing and I I just related to a little bit of what you were saying there but we do have some really great questions uh
48:46
King baba baba Moon asks how would you define your own drag traditions
48:52
oh I don't know I think I'm still figuring that out
48:58
um because unfortunately my disabilities just really get in the way of me
49:05
being able to create in my full capacity um and it's something that's a constant
49:10
process of acceptance especially because in the past two three years like since I
49:15
started drag a lot of my health conditions have gotten worse and it's just you know trying to deal
49:23
with what is my new capacity but also like not pushing myself because I really want to do something and because I know
49:29
how much drag means to me and what it brings to me and what I can bring to other people
49:35
um so it's really hard unfortunately for me to have a tradition because I know sometimes I just don't have
49:41
capacity to follow it um I wish I did but I think one just like maybe not a tradition but I try to
49:48
make my drag look a little bit different every time and I said that to Bonnie
49:53
um right before we started this live that I really enjoy her drag too because I see that her looks are very diverse
50:00
and always has a different sometimes homemade wig like this gorgeous homemade foam um you said packing foam wig
50:08
um and I just tried to challenge people's expectations of what
50:14
is a king is a queen if you become a queen what is femininity what does
50:19
someone you look like on a Asian person um so yeah I think I just I'm constantly
50:24
trying to do something new yeah um and yes I did create the wig today
50:29
but somebody was asking that um what are your dreams Vera drag king
50:35
or your daddy your dad what's that your dad
50:44
what are your dreams for the next generation of performers oh
50:50
oh I just want them to be free I think it's right for me to have I want
50:56
them to have their own dreams and to be living it that's all I have to say you know I
51:02
I mean hopefully more people don't have to keep having on an experience like iPad or
51:08
experiencing the connection of like self-hatred with religion and spirituality because I feel like that's
51:14
what a lot of us are that's where we're first taught to hate ourselves right and I really just hope that other
51:20
drag performers out there are just doing it like doing the damn thing because
51:26
I I know how much it can bring joy and positivity and beliefs and catharsis
51:32
yeah um izzyb six six or two six six seven eight asks what is something you hope
51:38
will change in the future towards how people view others with disabilities within the community
51:49
um and this is something I have been talking about a lot and it's something that
51:55
unfortunately I'll be the first to admit I wasn't as active as an advocate around disability
52:04
until I felt fully safe to like come out as disabled come out right that sounds silly
52:10
um because of all the ableism I saw in the community and not necessarily anything blatant
52:16
right not like I hate disabled people but in the inaccessibility of venues and
52:21
the lack of just like asking if anyone has accessibility needs right of just assuming that I think it's so
52:29
counterproductive right it's like we all know that drag is like completely different usually than who you are so
52:34
it's like oh you're just assuming that this drag Persona is all there is and they're all good right and
52:40
um also just what all the rhetoric that I've been seeing and hearing of people just as more live drag gigs are
52:47
happening as things are opening up people just stopped doing virtual things all together
52:52
um it's like really hurtful because it's like okay so you don't want disabled people to see your show you don't want
52:58
them to participate um or just people saying like oh I hated digital drag oh my gosh and it's like I
53:05
understand the digital Dragon for everyone but as what my friend Peter Panic said during our Dragon disability
53:12
panel uh during oh flash a few weeks ago is that all drag is valid and even if
53:18
digital drag is not as lucrative or not as fulfilling for you it's literally
53:23
some disabled people's only platform yeah at this point right so what I
53:28
really hope is just people doing more um non-disabled people able-bodied people doing more
53:36
um especially if you know a drag artist is openly disabled right like it kind of sucks to me that I have to like say I'm
53:43
disabled like so many times but I've also just experienced ableism in the fact that people don't believe me right
53:49
or people look at my work and they're like oh well you know you're dancing and doing all this stuff here
53:55
you can't possibly like not be able to do this and it's like yeah but you don't understand like I have to really plan
54:01
out my performances because I know I don't have the same amount of energy or capacity as the other able-bodied person
54:09
and another thing that I believe uh bad poppy said during the panel is that you
54:16
don't know what goes beyond closed doors right we don't know what drag performer is experiencing
54:22
working through once they leave the stage or wants to take off their makeup and I feel like being proactive about
54:28
asking people about those things right it's just a really small way and or stepping like
54:35
getting leveling up I don't want to see stuff up but leveling up and going to venues and saying hey why don't you have
54:42
a ram hey why do what like why is your bar not Ada accessible because that's another thing too is like being booked
54:49
for a show and then being like Oh what's what's the stage like what's the accessibility information and of course
54:55
I'm gonna do that because I need that but it's just you know it creates extra labor and it also makes you feel like
55:01
you're asking for extra stuff or you're asking for too much so yeah yeah so that that was such a
55:08
great Workshop I was glad I got to go to it I learned a lot is that is that available can people find that online
55:13
still um quickly check I believe it was on the oaklash twitch
55:20
um and eventually it's going to be taken off and moved to their patreon okay so
55:26
if you want to see that um on patreon you can do that but I also asked them to
55:32
send me a recording of it because I want to put captions on it and hopefully make it just accessible and free for everyone
55:39
um like that's counterproductive to make people pay for a workshop on disability in my opinion so yeah hopefully I will
55:46
have that with captions and everything publicly available so that everyone can
55:51
read it I actually hear it and then I also am planning to make some like infographics or just like a list of
55:57
takeaways from that conversation um because I want more people to know what what disabled folks what disabled
56:04
people of color disabled queer and trans people of color are saying and needed
56:09
um in order to be a part of this community yes for sure we've we've cut we've got
56:14
to the end of the evening so I would like to take some time though for you to tell people how they can connect with
56:20
you you are an amazing artist I love your work I cannot get enough of it
56:26
um though it is enough like it's great I just really enjoy it all right I think I
56:31
didn't want to put any pressure like I need more
56:38
but I do I really love it and you all will too so so do check it out how can they reach you how can they get a hold
56:43
of you um with respect and um
56:48
just kidding not really you can find me on Instagram King Lotus boy tick tock
56:55
also at King Lotus boy Facebook Facebook dot me slash drag King thing
57:03
um or if you just type in Lotus boy all caps in the search bar you can find me
57:09
on Facebook um oh and Tick Tock yeah um I wish I had the energy to be more
57:15
active on Tick Tock I like see so many things and I have so many silly like really silly humor tick-tocks you know
57:23
one day get there but I'm most active on Instagram so if anyone wants to reach out or or connect with me you can send
57:29
me a DM um oh and lastly I wanted to answer ehgi's question of was there an inspiration for
57:36
this look uh my inspiration was this wig I wanted to try and match the purple and
57:41
the green um and I was going to use a green screen but then I was like I can't it's green and I also know that Bonnie wears a lot
57:48
of pink so I wanted to kind of like pass out and connect it
57:53
worked out great awesome um so and then uh the PayPal is is there as well also
57:59
all the links to socials um ways you can send tips all of that are in the descriptions of the videos
58:06
wherever you're listening so is there anything else you would like to say before we go Lotus boy
58:13
thank you thank you so much Bonnie Violet and and slide
58:20
the viewers and the sponsors of this podcast I am so grateful for it I'm so grateful that I met you Bonnie and
58:27
I now have two new podcast additions to my array and I've been really enjoying
58:33
listening to them and listening to your conversations to other Jack performers some of which I know in real life and
58:39
some of them I don't and I think everyone says this kind of at some point in your in the podcast but
58:46
these conversations are so important because they're so few and far in between I'm so grateful that you invited
58:52
me and I was given this face to share and hopefully people took something away
58:57
from it and my last thing is you're loved you
59:02
are appreciated you matter and the world is so grateful to have you here
59:08
[Music] great episode that was
59:15
um do take some time and rate and review this episode or the podcast in general also please do reach out and let me know
59:22
what you're thinking about the podcast what would you like to hear um guests you'd like to see on there are
59:28
you interested in being involved in some way um please do reach out you know right now this is a one person show and I kind
59:35
of do this on my own but I am looking to really try to increase production and would love to bring on folks who are
59:42
looking to to be editors or co-hosts or guests or in other way involved sponsors
59:50
in helping to make this podcast just so much more uh sparkly and hopefully
59:58
accessible to more and more people please do like seriously like reach out
1:00:05
if you're interested you're feeling drawn to it this work can feel really isolating
1:00:11
alone sometimes and just have having one other person with me in some form or fashion really means a lot so thank you
1:00:19
so much for listening to the podcast and supporting the work of a queer chaplain take care and I love you all so dearly
1:00:27
bye bye [Music]